Got an email from my boy Benoit yesterday. It went to everybody in our accompaniment training group. He’s scheming to get us all together in Colorado the weekend of April 29th. Even called me out and said that flights from Phoenix to Denver were $50 one way.

Things like this give me a weird feeling these days. I big-time love the majority of that small Earth-salt group and I would big-time love to see them. And heaven knows I could use some time with my peer group, how ever loosely defined (even at the dog park, which has recently evolved into my main social outlet as I get to know the regulars, is haunted by mostly older folk).

But…

I have no job and am thousands in debt. Even if it’s a good deal $100+ travel money plus food (I’m currently letting Mommy pick up that tab) is more than I should do, I think.

I think I would do well resisting the beer and cigarettes that a couple of the others might be indulging in—and it might even be a good opportunity to test and exercise my resolve—but there is that risk.

Honestly, I don’t want to interrupt my schedule and program now that I’m building up steam, though that is enough of a ways off that it may not be that disruptive.

But those points are what’s weird about these things and not what I came here to talk about. The thing is that while I do want to see my friends I also don’t want to see my friends. It’s an amorphous kind of resistance wobbling around inside me, but I can guess at the reasons. I’m not sure whether I should or want to confess my evil doings yet. Not that it’s a big deal either way, but I don’t feel like wrestling with that uncertainty or making that decision. If I decide not to open up that can, I don’t want to have to dishonestly, incompletely, or embarrassingly account for my time since we left Guatemala. If I decide to open that can, well, I’ll be opening up that can, and I’ll have to answer questions and explain and reassure and feel like I’m being watched (in a friendly way, a figuring out kind of way) and feel like I need to be deliberate in how I present my post-crack self. I don’t want people to worry. I don’t want people to think less of me. I don’t want that burden I put on myself of delivering the educatingly complex accurate truth of it all. That’s big. And my energy, at the moment, is not up to the task, is tired from having that task with my family. I’d like a lot better for me to have some distance from my transgressions, some stability and perspective, and something to show for the experience and a time-tested and success-proven recovery. I want to have a subtext that says, “See how well I’m doing!” That last part may not demonstrate the kind of humility that true recovery requires, I don’t know, but that’s how I feel. It’s not unlike how I feel about my ex. That was the thing that El Chaparrito, my sniffing buddy in Xela, remembered and liked most from our conversations, that I wanted her to see how well I’ve done without her. Might not be healthy, but it is a motivation.

I just realized that this is all quite similar to my feelings and dreams of dread surrounding my ex-boss and friend…

Anyway, you’ll find another manifestation of the weirdness in my Yahoo inbox. I don’t answer a lot of emails and don’t participate in my family’s or college friends’ lists like I have. I’ve let myself lose contact with a lot of friends. At least temporarily.

And then there’s the call I got from Hector yesterday. I’m glad I didn’t answer it. I love that boy, too, but he’ll push for getting together. He’s in Sacramento, so Vegas lies between us. He drinks, he smokes, and he loves to key coke up his nose. We used to go at it all the time. He’d hook me up. He’d sell. He’d give.

In short, I’m just not ready to be in the world again. I’m in a weird cloistered world that in some ways is not ideal. But maybe it’s like a hospital; maybe it’s where/how I need to be quarantined and confined for now.

It relates to how I feel about female companionship right now. Man, oh man, I crave it. It’s been a while. One hell of a while. And bringing that back in would be good for me in more ways than one. I don’t want to wait. But maybe I should. I tell myself I need to keep working on myself right now. Get that solid. Then take the next step.

There’s also the fact that I want to complete some kind of writing project, and to do that, I need to focus all my energy toward that. It doesn’t come easy for me. It requires sacrifice. And I’m in an ideal situation to do it now.

So I think I’m keeping myself removed from the world for now and trying to be patient about it.