I feel weird about this one. A while back I wrote about coming out as an addict or past-addict (there’s a question for you) on an email list comprised of long-time friends. As soon as I hit ‘Send’ on that puppy, I was like a kid counting down Christmas. I was…what’s the right word?…eager?…maybe ‘anxious’ is closer…to see the reaction. Four list members responded on-list and another off-list during the following days and I posted those here. But that’s less than half of them, and I’ve kind of been waiting to see if anymore would trickle in. None have. I’m not sure if I was expecting everybody to say something to me—I don’t think I thought about it—but now that it’s come up, I’m a little…what’s the right word?…surprised?…hurt?…maybe ‘disappointed’ is best.

When I think through the ranks of the unresponsive, I can imagine why some didn’t and I can pick out the ones from whom it would have been more important to me to hear. I’m a little less tight with one or two, so not a big deal there. (But then again, I think ‘well, we are friends and this is a major thing for me.’ And then again-again, I think, ‘but maybe they don’t know how bad it was when it was bad or how good it is that [at that time] I went six good weeks. I didn’t give them much to go on…heck, they might not even know whether to take me seriously.’) A couple others were birthing or adopting babies about that same time, so that’s understandable; they’ve got more important things on their minds. And one’s entering the final stretch before his marriage, so ditto there. And one can just be kind of weird about things, so whatever there.

All in all, I feel forgiving, or like there’s not even anything necessarily to forgive. And I remember, too, that I kind of withdrew from most of my friends when I was an addict and only wanted to live in my own little world with my own little crack. And I consider, too, that some of these Clean Teamers might not know how to respond, what to say, or what, even, to think. Add all that up together and mature me knows I should really let it go without a care and move on with my life.

But I come back again to how huge this was and continues to be (in a very different way) in my life. And I remember over and over in my petty little way how when anybody on this list conceives or gives birth (which is often these days; we’re at that age), every single one of the others and their wives chime in with a ‘congratulations’ and a ‘whoopee!’ and a ‘yay!’. Always. Without fail. And when the ultrasound or three-year-old’s birthday photos are posted there’s another round of cheers. And when engagements are announed, there is always much love.

Everybody’s real supportive that way. It’s a beautiful thing. And all those things are very deserving. I was an irresponsible fuck who fucked up his own life. I brought that shit on myself. Do I warrant any sympathy? And getting straightened up, is that anything like getting married or bringing a life into the world? Is it worthy of a reaction that is on par with the others? Part of me thinks not, and that I’m being selfish and bratty to even obsess over it like I am right now. But part of me bristles and says, ‘hell yes, it’s every bit as big and important!’ In my life, at least, there’s nothing bigger. And, yes, your own baby is going to come first and be the thing that grabs 99 and 44/100ths of your attention, but over the course of a couple weeks, isn’t it reasonable to expect that eventually sometime somewhere as you’re posting the latest update on your baby’s progress (which I do want to hear, don’t get me wrong) that you might find 30 seconds to wish a long time friend well in his own difficult and currently triumphant journey? That journey for me is about as all-encompassing right now as a baby would be. It’s like I’m giving birth to myself, and it makes me about as tired as I imagine they might be.

We’ve been close. Do they not know how to deal with my admission or do they not care? Or, have they simply not noticed? Or, did they let the others speak for them? Or, do they assume that their concern is understood or taken for granted by me? Or, is it that, yes, they care, but they’re just overwhelmed right now, their plate’s overflowing, so, ’sorry, I wish I could be there for you but my family is taking all that I’ve got.’?

All of that would be fair.

And then again I come back to the thought that it would take less than a minute. And then again-again I come back to wondering why something that would take less than a minute would be so important to me. I feel weak and petty and selfish and whiny and drama-y. But I still also feel a little hurt, especially by one of those guys in particular whose nod my way, out of all the absentees, would have been most appreciated.