Today was a day largely dedicated to getting in touch—via email—with people I’d lost contact with when I was, um, unavailable. Today’s list included Prayery, Michelle, Serge, Martin, Snooz, Elliot, Cyra, a follow-up to the Smarty-Pantsers and a response to Karen.

Here’s what I finally wrote to Karen:

Hey Karen,

Good to hear from you and hear your enthusiasm. After sending that email to the list, I realized that it could’ve sounded more suspicious or accusatory than I meant it to be. I didn’t think you had told anybody about my troubles, but I also knew that sometimes friends and family with good intentions will share information among themselves out of concern or to get help or advice or whatever, and I think I felt stupid enough coming out to everybody that I didn’t want that feeling you get when you realize that the secret you’re sharing about yourself is no secret at all. I had also spoken to Sean in early fall and with Alisa last month, by the way. My apologies if you felt aimed at.

I don’t want you to feel badly about not being my savior last year–that’s Jesus’s job–but I’m glad you acknowledged it. I’ve told myself a million times that your work situation was worse than oppressive when I came to you, that you simply didn’t have the time let alone the expertise to do much for me, that you probably didn’t want to be put in the position that I put you in, that you didn’t deserve it, weren’t responsible for mopping up the mess I’d made of myself, and that it was unfair of me to expect that of you. Just the same, I felt a little abandoned. I think that if you’d said then “I’m sorry, I care, but I’m overwhelmed right now” I wouldn’t have felt a twinge of bitterness about it–again, despite my rational efforts to not be like that–so seeing something roughly in that ballpark below means a lot to me. So does that “strong” and “fearless” bit. Thanks.

And when I read that you quit your job and are working earnestly on a script, I breathed out a big ‘finally’! Send me something when you can and want. Are you working out of your apartment in the Heights or have you had to take low-rent measures like mine lately? I’ve been writing a little but not as much as I’d like to. I’ve been mostly concentrated on getting my stamina back and teaching stuff to my dog Buddy. I don’t think my personality is compatible with twelve-step programs, but I’ve got a rough plan of my own.

Love,
David

She wrote me right back:

Hi Dave,

I didn’t feel like you were accusing me, but I do know that people have talked to each other in the past and I didn’t want you to think that was happening in this case. I wish I could’ve just said “I can’t do it” back then, but I wanted so much to help. And I didn’t want to admit to myself that I didn’t have the strength to do what you asked of me.

[… coupla good paragraphs not relevant to Contravariance …]

I’m glad you’re doing well and taking time to heal. Your friends love you very much.

Love,
Karen