The day before I came out publically here with a cheer for my sixpack, I did it the day before on an email list of old college friends, most of whom are now bringing lots of children into their wholesome lives. That should not come across cynical; I envy much of what they have. One of the responses I received was particularly meaningful. But let me not jump the gun. Here’s what I wrote (mind you, this is after a significant absence online and even longer onlist):

This is an exciting list these days: promotions, marathons, and bishoprics; shots of Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby Soho splashed about the interness; Matt and Troublegirl doubling their pleasure, doubling their fun, and delivering a hilarious announcement (not really buying the who’d-a-thunk-it responses, though); J&J’s kids will soon be doubling as well (tell Joe that I’m hitting To Build A Bridge as soon as I finish Anne Frank’s Olde Tyme Wartime Blog); the DCex will be chalking up another one, as will the Mercedes Yens; and S&S will be married any February 25th now–I love the suggestion of charitable donations, who did the inviteSite, Serge? If I keep practicing the bongos (bought with my birthday cash this year) along with the Daily Hot Picks on Loops4, I may soon make something of myself, too. In the meantime, I’m happy to be hitting crack-free week #6. Unless my confidants betrayed me with their gossip, most of you don’t know that I spent 2005 an addict. I’m at home with Mommy now, taking steps, and coming clean. Hope Monica gets better soon, too.

My boy Pat stepped up first:

Wow…David, you sure know how to make a splash. No confidence was betrayed here as I had no idea. Get well soon. If you need some boring and uneventful days in Utah you are welcome to stay with us as long as you need. Good luck.

Then Kent, who I might best be able to understand the situation:

Hey Dave. Great to hear from you. Congratulations for hitting week 6! You are very brave. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Now gossip happens in even the tightest circles, this one included. Last spring or early summer, who knows exactly when, I confided in one of the list members and asked her for help. She wasn’t in a position to help me at the time, due to her work situation, and though I understood that, and that it was unfair of me to dump my own problems on her, I felt abandoned by a friend as much as I tried to rationalize myself out of it. This fall I ‘fessed up to another list member, my bestboy, my girlfriend, my fiction clubber, and asked him to keep it to himself and his family until I chose to share it with the rest of the group. I had no reason to believe either of them would betray me; maybe it was a shaving of that bitter root left by the one I asked for help that made me bring up the possibility. Or, maybe it was that I wanted to cover my bases; it feels a little weird (in a way it’s not supposed to) to bare your soul to someone who already knows what you’re going to say. Anyway, I knew as soon as I sent my email that a certain someone would see the accusation in that margin call, whether that was what I wanted or not, and would likely hit me offline about it, probably pretty graciously. And she did. Here’s what she wrote:

Dave, I’m so glad you’re alright and taking steps (12?) to get well. It takes a lot of guts to come clean. 6 weeks is huge! I’m so proud of you!

Just so you know, I didn’t betray your confidence. But I do feel badly about not being able to give you the help you needed when you asked. In retrospect, I doubt there would have been anything I could do, even if I’d been available 24/7. You have always seemed so strong to me, so fearless. I hoped that you would have the strength and conviction to stop using. I’m so happy you have.

Have you been writing? I would love to hear about what you’re working on.

I’m finally writing, too. I quit my job in December, and have started my first script in earnest. I should have quit a long time ago.

I love you. Be well.

Karen